And then my world came crashing down.
March 2nd, April 27th, and May 1st, dates that will be engraved into my brain until the day that I die. Days that my life changed, days that the walls around me came crashing down. That's why I haven't been here, that's why I haven't been writing online. I have written a bit in my daily life to try and figure things out.
March 2, 2018
I had great plans before this, then March 2nd happened. The day that started the roughest month I've ever had. That day I received a call at 6 in the morning, telling me that my boss, the person I worked side by side with for 9 years, was my mentor & confidant, and not to mention my "work dad" had just unexpectedly passed away. I spent the next 9 hours of my life telling people things like I don't know, thank you, we haven't heard, and hysterically crying in between. Let me tell you, by the end of the following Monday, if I would have heard another generic phrase, or been asked how I was I would have lost my shit.
There is a moment though, through that day where it felt like he just tapped on my shoulder and said: "make it fucking work." I had planned on going to a concert with my friend, and I still went. I planned on drinking and drinking a lot. But the first song came on, and there I was sobbing next to a hundred strangers I didn't know. Why, because the song was about living life to the fullest. It was him sitting there telling me not to settle, something I'm still trying to figure out.
It still makes me cry in case you were wondering.
April 27, 2018
On April 27th, his wife unexpectedly passed away from a broken heart. She and I had become close over the last couple of years, swapping wine recommendations, eating lunch together, and more importantly making fun of my boss. I got the call from their daughter, with a swift request to take their dog for a couple of days while everything got situated and immediately left the office to get her. Needless to say, I have a new dog. I don't think they would have wanted it any other way.
May 1, 2018
May 1st was the hardest. It still is. That was the day my grandpa passed. I was still trying to process everything else that happened, and just like that the most important person in my life was gone. To say that I was grandpa's girl is an understatement because if I needed something he was there. He was the person who was by my side both times I had to go to the hospital and at every doctor's appointment before and after. He was my rock, and just like that, he was gone.
I won't say that his passing was totally out of the blue. My grandpa had a lot of health problems, but I didn't think it would have been this soon. I thought that I would have at least gotten to tell him goodbye and how much I loved him. I can still remember standing on my porch with Ghillie as I watched him walk away from my house the day before, and remember how adamant I was when I yelled "love you papaw" as he walked back across the street and yelled it back. You never know if it's going to be the last time.
So what's happening now?
Well now that I am swimming in work and school work, I thought it would be a great time to start blogging again! Writing has always been a way for me to express more emotions than I might in my normal life, and it gives me a sense of calm. I've started making small changes to my blog style and switched over to Squarespace. I liked Wordpress but spent more time doing updates or backups that it really wasn't worth it to me.
I've become more of a hermit than I would like to be, so I'm hoping to break out of it within the next month or two. It's hard because I truly haven't grieved yet and I'm trying to be strong for everyone else. So when I want to do nothing and spend a weekend in my pajama's watching crappy TV I let myself.
I have some really fun posts coming up though, so keep an eye out for them! I'm glad to be back!