Have you ever loved something so much you hated it at times? That’s where I was with my day job. Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t love 100% of my job, I don’t think anyone does. Most of the time though I do truly have a fond admiration for it. What I did was pretty cool and despite the fact that I don’t have a degree I had gotten pretty far in it. I wouldn’t be at a place for almost 10 years if I didn’t like it right?
After everything I’ve been through this year it’s easy to think of all the things that would put me in a position to leave it. Long hours, working weekends, and the stress. Oy vey is the stress was a lot. There came a point when I truly started hating my job and the company I work for. I started resenting people, and cried every time I went home. I spent an entire Friday on the floor of the new office sobbing and having panic attacks.
How could I go from loving something so much to hating it?
It couldn’t have been because my boss had passed, that couldn’t be the only reason. Looking back on it now when I have more of a clear head, I know that it’s because I was so overwhelmed with work and my new daily tasks. I had all of my job, but then I took on 3/4’s of the rest of what my previous boss had been doing. It was a lot more than anyone realized.
I came off of a day where I was feeling shitty. I mean my stomach was in knots, my hair was falling out by the handful, and all I wanted to do was sleep. At the end of this day, I sat there just saying, “There has to be a better way!” So I decided that it was time to do what I was best at, problem solving.
Before I made the final decision to leave, I tried to come up with ways to make it better. So here is what I did.
I wrote up 3 new policies with back up.
I found myself writing up 3 new policies to be approved. One policy was for Travel and Expenses, one was for Mental Health Days, and the next was for the Hiring Process. All of these seemed like stupid things to have to write up, it is standard for companies to have policies like this already. With us being such a small company for so long, there was never really a need. Now with our growth and our client need, we have to set up a more solid structure.
I also wanted to make sure that policies like these don’t hurt an employee rather than help them. I wanted to take the stigma out of things like needing a mental health day, or having rules on how and what to do with expenses. Topics that employers don’t think of until it’s too late.
I tried asking for help.
To this date, I have sent several emails asking for help from my bosses. All on different things to try and make things better. I also went to our IT guys to try and figure out how to make some of my processes automated. I went to the owner to try and figure out solutions for paying vendors and getting our accounting team into fighting shape.
As I told someone “I can’t complain about not getting help, if I have never asked for it.”
Nothing much had been done to actually help. Sometimes it felt like I was being hurt by things, or that I was costing the company business. But I couldn’t do my job without the help of others doing theirs. I tried to take a stand for what I am capable of doing and what is too much.
I started taking a lunch.
Another thing that sounds silly, but something that had never done previously. In my 9 years with my company, there was only a couple of years where I left my desk to go and get lunch. After doing it for a week, I remembered that it was the best way to get out of my own head for a little bit of time. I normally hung out with my two main peeps and bull shit about things, mainly because they are the sweetest and always picked up food for everyone. Also because they are hilarious and try to do random stuff to make me laugh, even still.
I honestly don’t think I would have stayed as long as I did if I didn’t have those two.
I tried to keep it light hearted when I was at the office. It was getting harder and harder everyday to keep the faith. I had to work hard at it, and really work hard at it. Sometimes I caught myself thinking that it shouldn’t be this hard, but within the same thought it shouldn’t be too easy. I have to remember how far I have gotten within my own career.
In the end I decided that my company was no longer the perfect fit for me. With everything that had happened this year, it was all too much. It all felt hard and easy at the same time to leave. In the end though I came out of it with some amazing friends, and a world full of knowledge. I couldn’t have asked for anything better than that.